Cemetery Man and Deschutes Hop in The Dark

When it comes to Italian zombie movies I'm left feeling less than impressed.  Zombi 2 was okay at best, even in the context of being made in the 79'.  As you start moving further and further down the Zombi line things get worse.  Zombi 5: Killing Birds.....really?  How are you coming up with more money for these movies?  Despite the sea of super weird and at times wildly inappropriate Italian zombie movies there are a few gems.  You just need to give them a chance to shine.  Corny, i know.  But hear me out.  I saw Cemetery Man (AKA Dellamorte Dellamore) on the AskMen.com top 10 zombie movie list (clickey the link).  I thought it looked dumb.  I watched the trailer and decided that there were much bigger fish to get in the boat before I would start keeping guppies like that.  As fate would have it I found my self in FYE with a gift certificate and a $4.99 Cemetery Man DVD in my hand.  With a chip on my shoulder I brought it home and popped it in.  What i experienced was magic.  The incomparable thrill of being proved wrong from an underestimated enemy.

As for the beer.  I should have named this blog post "Deschutes Brewery: We make beer better than you do anything that you do."  If you live west of the Mississippi and haven't indulged in some of their special beers then you need to go by your local beer store and pick up Black Butte XXIII, The Abyss, Jubel, and a Hop Henge.  Now that you've spent $50 on beer go home and down all four while watching zombie movies.  I'm drinking Hop In The Dark which is a Cascadian Dark Ale.  It's a cool mix of IPA and Stout.  Before i start the movie I open the beer.  It's dark black with a tan head that leaves sweet ass lacing for the whole glass.  It's not as thick as i expected.  I checked the bottle and it's only 6.9% abv.  Warming but not the thick beast that i expected.  There is a full hoppy nose, dripping in citrus and pine, grapefruit and...well...pine!  It's everything I hoped it would be.  There is also a rich caramel and dark roasted malt character that mellows the hops and adds complexity.  The first sip is strikingly bitter with hops punching you right in the face.  But there is also layer after layer of rich malty complexity driven by the roasted malt.  This beer is much more roasted and balanced than i expected.  I thought it would be an IPA but black, instead it's a Russian Imperial Stout that moonlights as a Double IPA.  This beer reminds me of Stone's Sublimely Self Righteous Ale.  Another feather in the Deschutes cap.  Well done friends!

The first scene sets the entire movie.  A tall dark haired man (Francesco Dellemorte) answers the phone still dripping wet from his shower.  During the phone call he tells the caller to "hold on a sec" in order to answer the door, shoot a zombie in the head, and go back to his conversation.  It is with that nonchalance that Francesco and his sidekick, the mute Gnahgi, kill all the zombies.  They are more of an inconvenience than a horror.  Life is pretty bleak in the cemetery until one day a mysterious woman (the beautiful Anna Falchi) comes to the cemetery for the funeral of her much older husband.  Anna Falchi is the Italian Angelina Jolie.  Seriously, they look identical.  Francesco falls in love immediately and is able to seduce her in the cemetery's ossuary where she loses control of herself.  She's a little creepy.  For all you strange sex people this movie has a bunch of it.  Making out in an ossuary, sex on her dead husband's grave, nude zombies, it's all there.

If you watch this movie and don't immediately see the striking similarities between this movie and Dead Alive then you need to watch them again.  Yes the premise is different but the way each movie was shot and the blending of humor with gory goodness is the same.  Things get weirder and weirder.  It turns out having sex on your dead husband's grave is bad for business.  He comes back and......chomp....revenge!  Francesco is forced to kill her (when she comes back to life duuuuhhhhh).  Then a motorcycle accident kills over a dozen people, including one kid who was so badly mangled in the crash that he got buried still stuck to the motorcycle.  The kid comes back half motorcycle half zombie!  That's a first.  I appreciate the originality.  Then the love interest of Gnahgi comes back as just a head.  They are in love and he keeps her with him.  Then Anna comes back (look out now!) and bites Francesco.  I'm sorry but that's rule #1.  Don't sleep with zombies.......ever.  I guess i just don't understand men.  The bite doesn't turn Francesco into a zombie though......don't quite understand why.

Every time i watch this movie i pick up on some new weird shit.  Take this for example.  Francesco gets really cross with Gnahgi for burning the phone books which are his favorite reading.  Strange.  Then the grim reaper shows up in out of the ashes of the phone book and tells Francesco to stop killing the dead and that if he wants the dead to stay dead he needs to kill the living.  Now things get psychedelic with parallel realities and a groundhog day like feel.  So Anna just won't take no for an answer.  She comes back as different people.  Francesco starts going crazy and is killing everyone indiscriminately including a doctor and a nun.  A NUN!!! That's edgy.  He's walking out of the hospital where he just killed three people holding the gun and the cop yells to him "Francesco there's a murderer in the building...oh good you have a gun!"

I'm going to give it all away.  The beer is gone, leaving nothing but sweet lacing and the memory of the beer that was.  Francesco pulls Gnahgi into his car and goes steaming away only to find out that there is no rest of the world.  It's just a broken road to nowhere.  And to make matters worse they're living inside of a snow globe.  Isn't that the way it always is.  This movie rocks like few others in my collection.  Cemetery Man i would like to apologize for ever doubting you.  You are a symbol of what every one of us should strive to be every day.  Thank you.

The Beer:

Aroma – 10/12

Appearance – 3/3

Taste – 18/20

Palate – 4/5 

   Overall – 8/10

Total = 43/50

The Movie:

Production – 4/5

Plot – 5/5

Gore – 5/5

Zombies – 4/5

  Overall – 4.5/5

The Beyond and Bridgeport Hop Czar

The IPA.  If you don't like it, then maybe you should find a different blog.  When you drink an IPA for the first time many find it's too powerful, way too powerful.  It's a beer you need to warm up to and understand.  I think i like it because most people can't handle it.  Then try a double IPA and the weak will be dropped from the rolls.  It's serious beer business.  This weeks hop journey takes us to the Lucio Fulci film The Beyond hand in hand with Bridgeport's Hop Czar.  I had almost given up on this movie.  I had heard that it was out of print and extremely rare.  But there it was in FYE for the cheap used price of $12!  I did a little wiki research and found out that after going out of print in the early 80's this movie became a rare and highly sought after horror film.  Then gory director extraordinaire Quentin Tarantino acquired the rights to the film and distributed it's uncut version with tons of extras.  Thanks Quentin!

The movie opens with 1927 Louisiana.  A mob storms this mansion and brutally tortures and murders a "warlock". There's some mention of the seven gates of hell, that once opened, unleash evil (undead) into the world.  This movie has enough plot to keep it moving.  I actually found myself excited and anxious to see what happened next.  "This is a big deal?" you ask.  YES!  The following is a list of Fulci movies i've seen.


Zombi 2
City of the Living Dead
Zombi 3


I guess it's not as many as i thought.  After looking at a complete list of Fulci films i found out that Zombi 4: Afterlife, and Zombi 5: Killing Birds were actually not Fulci movies.  Fooled me!  Anyway Zombi 2, Zombi 3, and City of the Living Dead all lag quite a bit in the middle and have less than compelling plots.  The Beyond does something that the other three films of his did not achive....suspense.  It's done in a way that only classic horror movies achieve.  New age horror has to cater to our A.D.D. societal processings.  Blam! There's a monster!! Blam!!! People are dead!!! Blam! there's another one!!!!  You get what i mean.  We're a headline society.  Nobody reads through the whole story anymore.  That's what makes this film so great.  Sure there are a couple of "wham bam" murder scenes, but by an large, the lead up and the visualization of each gory scene is savored for long moments.  There are two scenes that make this incredibly clear to me.  The first is the woman who is killed in the morgue and the other is the man killed in the library.  Both had the high pitched strings letting you know danger was near and both took painfully long to display the exact manner in which each person was bruttally murdered.

Murder #1:  This woman is dressing her dead husbands corpse for the funeral when all of the sudden.......she screams!  At what you have no idea.  The camera shifts to her daughter who was waiting outside.  The daughter runs in to find her mother passed out on her back with a tipped over jug of acid slowly pouring out all over her face.  Which leads one to wonder why there is a GIANT UNCOVERED glass jar full of ACID on top of a shelf?  Seems aufly suspicious to me.  The next few minutes are close up shots of this womans face melting, skull breaking, and blood spraying.  It's pretty brutal.  Frothy blood mixed with acid pours out across the floor and the daughter runs.  EPIC.

Murder #2:  This guy is climbing up a ladder in a library looking for building plans on the house that supposidly has the "7th gate to hell" in it.  As he opens the plans book there is a thunderous boom of "lightning?" he goes falling off the 10 ft ladder.  Dead right?  Wrong!  Here is where it gets awesome.  Now a dozzen tarantulas come out of nowhere to cover this guy and eat him alive.  They really do!  One's pincers rip off part of his lip, another goes into his mouth and slices off his tounge.  Yet another goes into his eye socket ripping out his eye.  The best part of the scene is that some of the spiders are real and some are fake.  The fake ones are obviously on wires or something because instead of creeping they wobble arround.  Awesome!

As i search through the piles and piles of DVD's for the best zombie movie, I am also searching for the best IPA.    It's packing the most hops you can into a beer while keeping the balance and pushing through something unique. I picked up Bridgeport's Hop Czar.  It's the Czar of hops!  It must be the best!  It's 7.5% ABV and a light copper color with a fluffy off white head.  This IPA isn't the american powerhouse that i normally drink.  Instead of big citrus blasts this beer has more earthy and grassy with a bit of pepper.  There's a malty, sweet vegetable aroma there as well.  Given enough sniffs you can get some pine but it's not in your face.  What you smell is what you taste with this beer; grassy, earthy, with a bit of bread.  It's almost sticky as it finishes but with a substantial astringent hop bite.  Medium mouth feel.  It's not bad.  Not what i'd go hanging my hat on as a brewer.  Definitely not a CZAR of any kind.  No sir.  The sixer was cheap enough to warrant the $8 splurge now and again.  Check it out if your bored or really thirsty.

Back to the movie.  There's the classic case of "The girl who cried Zombie".  This tough guy doctor just is not buying the fact that this woman who owns the hotel is being assaulted by the living dead.  He's not a big believer.  He's the only guy that figures out only a head shot will kill a zombie but still decides to take body shots just to make sure.  "I'm a scientist DAMN IT.  I need a logical explanation!"   Well i need a logical explanation as to why you would waste bullets trying to make sure it's just head shots instead of dispatching as many undead as you could!!!  So the gates of hell open and it doesn't really explain how.  Just that it happened.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!


So our two main characters go into a basement which happens to be the hotel.....which then happens to be hell....where there's nothing really going on........then they're blind!  That's it.  No resolution, no explanation.  I've got an explanation......Fulci is a wine drunk.  He was wasted when he decided how to end this one.  I still love it.....but just because of how ridicules it is.  This one is a must watch but i'm not sure why.

The Beer:

Aroma – 6/12

Appearance – 3/3

Taste – 14/20

Palate – 2/5 

   Overall – 6/10

Total = 31/50

The Movie:

Production – 3.5/5

Plot – 3/5

Gore – 5/5

Zombies – 3/5

  Overall – 3.5/5

Edges of Darkness and New Belgium Ranger IPA

So in my first trip to my local FYE I was able to add two new films to the zombie movie collection.  It's beginning to take over the entertainment center shelves.  The two movies i found were Lucio Fulci's "The Beyond" and some other movie that i vaguely remember hearing something about.  I was beside myself to finally own "The Beyond".  I've read a lot about it and thought it was not being released anymore, but there it was in the used section.  I decided to start with the more unknown of the two films.  This one was called "Edges of Darkness".  The cover makes some lofty claims as to the enjoy-ability of this film but after Zombie Diaries I'm not sure how much faith i put in cover claims.  I put this beer with the rest of my New Belgium IPA six-pack.  Throw another IPA on the fire!  I've begun marinating with IPA, battering with IPA, and baking bread with IPA.  I........love.........hops.

Before I start my review i feel like i need to stress that this is NOT a Mel Gibson movie!!!!  I repeat: NOT a Mel Gibson movie.

Right off the bat i can tell that production is going to take a couple of knocks.  This one is filmed much in the same way "Days of Darkness" was filmed.  It's a professional camera but lighting is a big rough at times.  This is overly apparent in the night scenes and in the outdoor daytime scenes.  It could use a nice dark lens or something.  Like in MUTANTS!!!  That's the kind of feel that works the best for most zombie movies.  The action is very angle oriented.  By that I mean that nobody really gets punched in the face they just shoot it from behind and the zombie jerks his head and spits a mouthful of blood on cue.  The movie seems to follow three sets of people.  A computer obsessed husband and his wife, a black couple with a......disturbing addiction, and a warrior woman who saved a mother and son.  I feel like i need to point out that for a movie released in 2009, staring a computer enthusiast, you would think he would be working off more than a green screen desktop!  Not to mention his terrible acting.  He is indifferent and distracted in a way that showcases a lack of conviction rather than a compelling character.  And if zombie movies aren't weird enough, the young black couple EATS people.  Like zombie style without the undead thing.  They kidnap this (Asian?) woman and pull off blood periodically.  Then two scenes later, instead of being the terrified woman, she's the compassionate friend with Stockholm syndrome?  Meanwhile the husband and wife pair slip further apart.  He's too busy writing on his computer to notice her, meanwhile she falls in love with a zombie outside her window.  She looses touch with reality and things get.......weird.

The beer and the movie are about even in ranking at this point.  The beer is a B+ by the people on Beeradvocate.com and a A- by the Pros.  It's not bad.  It pours a light brown/medium amber with just a tinge of chill haze.  There is a medium hoppiness dominated by the grapefruit and orange that I've come to know and love.  There's a slight piney stickiness in the bouquet.  This is a light bodied IPA with a significant bitterness at the base of it.  There is fresh citrus in each sip.  This beer is an IPA for sure it's just not the powerhouse that some IPAs are.  This is a good flavorful beer to have around the house as a staple.  Grilling?  Just pop a New Belgium IPA....cool fall evenings need a little warming? It's good for that too!  Eating fish or a light chicken dish.....WHAMO! New Belgium IPA.  It's a good beer to have arround.

The movie is taking turns for the weirder.  Now the woman that the cannibals captured turns out to be......something else.  By drinking her blood the two cannibals fall severely ill and realize that this woman they kidnapped......is something else entirely!!!!!  It also turns out that the black kid that our road warrior woman saved is actually the anti-Christ trying to save people from God's purging zombies so that the sin of man can continue.  There are some really cool zombie kill scenes at this point.  A head crushing with a bowling ball and a machete extreme slaughtering which we only get to see the aftermath of.  Our road warrior decides to team up with the Anti-Christ in order to save mankind.  What will she become in the process.  Things with computer nerd get stranger as well.  The computer processor he installed begins to kill plants, rats, etc... in order to keep power and grow.  It doesn't really explain much other than that.  oh and i almost forgot!  There is a pack of priests that are trying to kill the anti-Christ and allow the zombies to wipe out man.  They're a strange bunch.

The computer ends up eating the nerd and his wife.  There was really no point to their characters in this movie and it never explains what the computer thing is?  Why it's alive?  Anything!  It also doesn't really explain who the Asian woman is?  It doesn't show what the deal with the anti-Christ is?  It's a big open ending where the cannibal wife runs off into an alley chopping up zombies.  It feels like they ran out of money and just stopped the movie.  That's not to say it's a bad movie.  Like i said, it ranks with Dead Moon Rising and Days of Darkness but this was overall......a plot train wreck.  It was saved by some cool gore and the feeling that the writers (and some of the actors) were really trying.  This film is not for the easily bored or the faint of heart.

The Beer:

Aroma – 7/12

Appearance – 2/3

Taste – 15/20

Palate – 4/5 

   Overall – 7/10

Total = 35/50

The Movie:

Production – 3/5

Plot – 2/5

Gore – 3/5

Zombies – 2/5

  Overall – 2.5/5

Mutants and Microbrasserie Charlevoix's La Vache Folle

So I don't know why it took the French 40 years to from when Night of the Living Dead was released to make a zombie movie but they have taken the genre by force.  First with The Horde and now with this weeks movie Mutants.  Not the 2008 Mutants about some synthetic sugar that makes people "Zombies"?  I've never seen it but the cover looks dumb.  And not The Mutant Chronicles starring everyone's favorite primate Ron Perlman.  I thought a Saison would be a good pairing....only because they're both French.  But then i realized that I had something deep in my fridge that would work even better.  On my recent trip from Alaska to Seattle I found myself in a beautiful little town called Jasper.  Jasper is buried deep in the heart of the Canadian Rockies this town is miles from anywhere.  Literally.  It's in the middle of Jasper National Park.  It's surrounded by green in the GPS.  They had a craft beer and wine store with a giant walk in cooler.  Deep in the back of the cooler I found two beers that I bought and managed to sneak over the boarded to where they now sit.....my fridge.  The first is Black Albert.  My #1 beer ever and a beverage I'm saving for another post and La Vache Folle (Mad Cow), a French (Canadian) made IIPA.  I think due to the Frenchness of the beer it would make a good partner.

I have to tell you this movie starts off powerful right from the beginning.  The movie is shot with a dark, almost blueish lens that gives it this creepy feel.  There is a girl attacked in the woods but she manages to escape.  She keeps running until finally she reaches a "safe spot".....a highway.  She decides it would be a great place to catch er breath after the attack until.......WHAM she's exploded thanks to a ambulance careening through.  I'm not going to go scene for scene with this review like i do for most of my others.  Not because I'm lazy but rather because unless your French you've never seen this movie.  It's gory.  It's REALISTICALLY gory.  But it's also just a slight bit over the top in order to keep wowing you, the audience.  Gunshots spray blood and giant chunks of flesh.  There's no cut aways or wide shots either.  It's fast paced, in your face action.

Before popping this beer open I did my usual googling to shed some light onto the background of the beer I'm drinking.  This is especially important when I'm stepping into unfamiliar territory like i am now.  Come to find out the beer i had bought was a Columbus IIPA.  I didn't fully read the label when i bought it i guess. Microbrasserie Charlevoix puts out an entire series of single hopped Imperial IPAs.  How awesome is that.  I would love to watch the Return of the Living Dead series while tasting this Imperial IPA series.  According to BeerAdvocate.com there are 8 beers in this series all weighing in at 9% abv.  There's Armillo, Bravo, Centennial, Columbus, Herkules, Simco, Yeoman, and even a mystery hop beers.

Enough talk, I pour the beer!  It's a brilliant orange with a thick cap of off white foam.  I sink my nose deep into the glass expecting those greasy american hops.......but.......wait.........what the?  No hops!!  There's a nice malty, sweet caramel aroma, with just a slightly sour tinge.  I'm shocked.  In disbelief i swirl my snifter and try again.  There they are.  If you push past the bready malt aroma there is are flowery and slightly piny hops in there.  Oh good!  Now that I'm mildly prepared I take a taste.  It's surprisingly malty with a significant sweetness.  It's not what i expected but it's very good.  A lemony, grapefruit hoppiness cuts nicely into the sweet malt making a very balanced and enjoyable beer.  There's some bitterness but not the Chinook tongue piercing that i was looking for.  Moderate carbonation, moderate mouthfeel.  I liked the little heat that the alcohol brought on and enjoyed the complex flavors of this beer.  I will appreciate it even more the next time I try it.  Because I'll be drinking it for what it is, instead of what i think it will be.  I think it's a double IPA but it's definitely on the edges.  This is a beer all of it's own and one i highly suggest.

Back to the movie.  It's got a bit of a lull after the initial punch.  I would say that the first 15 minutes of this film are as compelling as the opening sequence of the Dawn of the Dead remake.  It's THAT good.  But then the film takes a turn for the I, Zombie path where it does a long sequence of the transformation of a person into a zombie.  However don't fret, the only similarity to I, Zombie is the idea of showcasing transformation, the transformation itself is WAYYYY more awesome.  I'm beginning to rethink how Zombie these creatures really are.  At first i thought they were absolutely zombies.  At the very least they might be 28 Days Later zombies (yea i called them zombies).  But towards the end of the film the disfiguring caused by the transformation makes some of the characters seem less human and more mutant.  The horror of the zombie movie is the striking similarity that zombies have to people.  There's always a strange conflict by their very being.  If you start making zombies into mutants the whole things gets dilluted and there's no connection.  That being said they were not over the top with most of the zombies and the zombie aspect shines through clearly.

While the end of the film turns up the same character types that seem to slosh back and forth across the vast sea of zombie moves, this movie was still rather interesting.  It's not a top 10 back breaker like i expected after the first 15 minutes but it's a solid zombie movie coming out of a sleeper of a country.  If you get a chance to watch this one get it in Blu Ray.  It's worth it!

The Beer:

Aroma – 8/12

Appearance – 3/3

Taste – 17/20

Palate – 4/5 

   Overall – 7/10

Total = 39/50

The Movie:

Production – 5/5

Plot – 4/5

Gore – 4/5

Zombies – 3/5

  Overall – 4/5

The Beer Rating System

I know I did a quick post at the beginning of the blog about tasting beer.  I wanted to provide everyone with the official beer rating system.  The following link in the process developed by the Beer Judge Certification Program (BJCP).  For those that have never heard of them and thought that anybody can just walk off the street and taste beer you are wrong!  BJCP Tasting Beer Instructions.

I would like to issue a formal apology to all of my faithful beer drinking readers.  Somewhere along the way i made gross error in my scoring.  I'm not sure where i went wrong exactly but, i have been using an incorrect scorecard when tasting beer.  I don't know if it was an outdated version or an unofficial version that i had stumbled upon but it was incorrect.  The new scorecard will reflect the same categories but with different values.  Here is a link to the official scorecard.


                                   Old Value----->New Value
Aroma                             10                        12
Appearance                       5                          3
Taste (now Flavor)          10                        20
Palate (now Mouthfeel)     5                          5
Overall                            20                        10

TOTAL                           50                        50

From now on i intend on not only providing the quick glance scores for each beer rating at the bottom of east post but also linking to the scorecard done for each beer.  We'll see if i can  make it work.  For those that are interested in the specifics of beer styles and origins i suggest thumbing through the BJCP.

Word document with changes.  Turn on track changes to see updates.

BJCP Guidelines

Good luck and drink on!

The Rating System

I was informed by a friend that i had not yet defined my rating system clearly.  Those just wandering my "Lookup by Movie" page might not understand exactly what makes each movie the different rating.  So i decided to clarify a bit.


All categories for movie rating are awarded on a 5 point scale.  0 being the lowest and 5 being the highest score achievable.  The following are the different categories.

Production – Production of zombie films are incredibly important to me.  Sometimes the quality of the gore in the film can effect the production rating.  That being said the production of the gore could be poorly produced but because of the originality and massive amount of blood and guts the movie could still score a 5 on gore.  Production takes into account the film quality, quality of CGI, believability of the characters, sets and props, and the overall feel of the film.

Plot – There are literally hundreds of zombie movies.  After a while they all seem to blur together.  It seems  to be a bunch of people trying to hold up during a zombie attack or a post apocalyptic world where zombies rule.  I need originality, creativity, and some plot twists in order to keep things moving.  If you want to draw a 5 here you need to have an original story line, unique character interactions, and a highly entertaining story that has at least the illusion of a plot twist.  If the zombie movie is written like the Andy Dick writes George Bush speeches SNL skit then you get an exploding head.

Gore – This one is straight forward.  Odds are if your a zombie movie fan then your looking for at least a moderate amount if not a viciously disturbing bucket full of flesh tearing violence.  If you cut away to try to cheese out counting on human interactions to intensify your movie then EXPLODING HEAD!!!  Look at Dead Alive as the mecca of gore to which all others will be judged.

Zombies – I am very particular about my zombies.  Points will be deducted for zombies that do any of the following: talk, think, climb, use tools, communicate with other zombies, have special powers, are super strong, don't eat people (I'm talking to you Dead Snow), or have any other unrealistic qualities.  I'm willing to accept running zombies under the premise that the muscle has not yet broken down to the point where they can't run.

  Overall – This is just the mathematical average of the above ratings and not it's own category like in the official BJCP guidelines for beer rating.  I choose how to round this number based on how i feel.  I round to the nearest .5 hands.

The 5 dead hand rating - This rating is given only to the highest quality, most interesting, and standard setting movies of the Genre.  Such films include Dawn of the Dead (remake and original), 28 Days Later, The Horde, and a few others i have not yet reviewed.  It's got to be front to back, top to bottom the best to get this rating.  If your a zombie movie fan and you don't own one of my 5 hand films then your not a zombie movie fan.

The 4 dead hand rating is a solid film.  This is a film you probably should own and can watch over and over without getting tired of it.  There could be a few minor flaws here and there that would not allow it to the highest status but it's enjoyable.  These are good drinking beer and hanging out flicks.  Good examples of 4 hand films are Dead and Breakfast, Dead Snow, Diary of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead (original and remake), Undead, and Pontypool.

3 hand movies are okay.  They're not the worst movies I've seen but usually have major flaws.  If strapped for cash bypass 3 hand movies for something higher up the list.  If your torn between watching the new Transformers movie and a 3 hand film.  It might be a tough choice.  My only 3 star rating so far was Horror Rises from the Tomb.

 Here are my friends at the bottom of the barrel.  Your sinking into some pretty sad territory.  Someone but their hopes and dreams into creating a film but its' embarresingly terrible.  It's the type of bad that warrents a netflix stream for free but i wouldn't waste the gas money to pick one of these up at Blockbuster.  That is, if Bluckbuster would even carry one of these.  I haven't yet rated a movie that lands between 2.5 and 0 hands so no examples here.

These are a right.  I suggest you start thinking about it a few days before.  You want to get in the right mind set.  You start drinking 3 or 4 hours before movie time.  Make sure you have eaten and arn't overly irritable.  And do NOT stop drinking at any point during these films.  You go into one of these unprepaired and you risk seriously hurting yourself.  I haven't reviewd a 1 hand film yet because I don't want to sit through these again.  This is going to be the movies i put off to the end.

These are the worst of the worst.  These are the movies that after watching, I make lists.  I make lists of the directors, producers, actors, even the lighting guys.  So i know who to go after for my wasted time and pain endured during the film.  I don't only want bad things to happen to the people that were involved in the making of these films.  I want bad things to happen to the friends and family of those involved.  These films make me wonder at what point people should just give up.  You must be seeing the terrible shit that you are creating and you must know your name will follow this shit sandwhich until the end of time but you just don't care.  You decide that your legacy should be that of these exploding head most terrible zombie movies ever!  I, Zombie and Living a Zombie Dream.......I hate you.


Watch at your own risk.