Monday, July 11, 2011

The Rating System

I was informed by a friend that i had not yet defined my rating system clearly.  Those just wandering my "Lookup by Movie" page might not understand exactly what makes each movie the different rating.  So i decided to clarify a bit.

All categories for movie rating are awarded on a 5 point scale.  0 being the lowest and 5 being the highest score achievable.  The following are the different categories.

Production Production of zombie films are incredibly important to me.  Sometimes the quality of the gore in the film can effect the production rating.  That being said the production of the gore could be poorly produced but because of the originality and massive amount of blood and guts the movie could still score a 5 on gore.  Production takes into account the film quality, quality of CGI, believability of the characters, sets and props, and the overall feel of the film.

PlotThere are literally hundreds of zombie movies.  After a while they all seem to blur together.  It seems  to be a bunch of people trying to hold up during a zombie attack or a post apocalyptic world where zombies rule.  I need originality, creativity, and some plot twists in order to keep things moving.  If you want to draw a 5 here you need to have an original story line, unique character interactions, and a highly entertaining story that has at least the illusion of a plot twist.  If the zombie movie is written like the Andy Dick writes George Bush speeches SNL skit then you get an exploding head.

Gore – This one is straight forward.  Odds are if your a zombie movie fan then your looking for at least a moderate amount if not a viciously disturbing bucket full of flesh tearing violence.  If you cut away to try to cheese out counting on human interactions to intensify your movie then EXPLODING HEAD!!!  Look at Dead Alive as the mecca of gore to which all others will be judged.

Zombies – I am very particular about my zombies.  Points will be deducted for zombies that do any of the following: talk, think, climb, use tools, communicate with other zombies, have special powers, are super strong, don't eat people (I'm talking to you Dead Snow), or have any other unrealistic qualities.  I'm willing to accept running zombies under the premise that the muscle has not yet broken down to the point where they can't run.

  Overall This is just the mathematical average of the above ratings and not it's own category like in the official BJCP guidelines for beer rating.  I choose how to round this number based on how i feel.  I round to the nearest .5 hands.

The 5 dead hand rating - This rating is given only to the highest quality, most interesting, and standard setting movies of the Genre.  Such films include Dawn of the Dead (remake and original), 28 Days Later, The Horde, and a few others i have not yet reviewed.  It's got to be front to back, top to bottom the best to get this rating.  If your a zombie movie fan and you don't own one of my 5 hand films then your not a zombie movie fan.

The 4 dead hand rating is a solid film.  This is a film you probably should own and can watch over and over without getting tired of it.  There could be a few minor flaws here and there that would not allow it to the highest status but it's enjoyable.  These are good drinking beer and hanging out flicks.  Good examples of 4 hand films are Dead and Breakfast, Dead Snow, Diary of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead (original and remake), Undead, and Pontypool.

3 hand movies are okay.  They're not the worst movies I've seen but usually have major flaws.  If strapped for cash bypass 3 hand movies for something higher up the list.  If your torn between watching the new Transformers movie and a 3 hand film.  It might be a tough choice.  My only 3 star rating so far was Horror Rises from the Tomb.

 Here are my friends at the bottom of the barrel.  Your sinking into some pretty sad territory.  Someone but their hopes and dreams into creating a film but its' embarresingly terrible.  It's the type of bad that warrents a netflix stream for free but i wouldn't waste the gas money to pick one of these up at Blockbuster.  That is, if Bluckbuster would even carry one of these.  I haven't yet rated a movie that lands between 2.5 and 0 hands so no examples here.

These are a right.  I suggest you start thinking about it a few days before.  You want to get in the right mind set.  You start drinking 3 or 4 hours before movie time.  Make sure you have eaten and arn't overly irritable.  And do NOT stop drinking at any point during these films.  You go into one of these unprepaired and you risk seriously hurting yourself.  I haven't reviewd a 1 hand film yet because I don't want to sit through these again.  This is going to be the movies i put off to the end.

These are the worst of the worst.  These are the movies that after watching, I make lists.  I make lists of the directors, producers, actors, even the lighting guys.  So i know who to go after for my wasted time and pain endured during the film.  I don't only want bad things to happen to the people that were involved in the making of these films.  I want bad things to happen to the friends and family of those involved.  These films make me wonder at what point people should just give up.  You must be seeing the terrible shit that you are creating and you must know your name will follow this shit sandwhich until the end of time but you just don't care.  You decide that your legacy should be that of these exploding head most terrible zombie movies ever!  I, Zombie and Living a Zombie Dream.......I hate you.

Watch at your own risk.


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