Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Mad and Rogue Dead Guy

Before I can review this movie I have to tell you the story about why this means so much to me.  But before I can tell you that story I need to tell you another story.  The story of the Jack Bull.  In this movie John Cusack loses his wife, his farm, everything he owns, including his own life in order to get repaid the two horses that were mistreated by a wealthy landowner.  The story showed the length a man was willing to go to in order to defend what is right.  It’s a story of justice and obsession.

Now my story.....

In March of 2010 I received an FYE gift card, which I later spent buying three used DVDs online.  Because I lived in Alaska they could not ship to me and I had to have them sent to family in Massachusetts who then paid to have them shipped to me.  Everything worked out okay until they came in the mail.  "The Mad" was missing.  The case was there, but the DVD was not.  Shhhhhiiiiitttttyyyyy.  I called FYE and they wanted me to ship the case back and “eventually I would get reimbursed”.  They said they would send me a new DVD, but not to Alaska where I was living because they don’t ship to Alaska.  Instead they wanted me to ship it to Massachusetts again where my family would have to pay again to have DVDs shipped.  This was a cost and inconvenience that I was not willing to endure.  I told FYE that this extra trip all the way to the post office and the extra money spent was all due to the fact that FYE had not shipped me the DVD in the first place.  I told them to ship it to AK and endure the extra dollar as compensation for the frustration caused trying to negotiate.  In the meantime i spent hours researching the evil nature of FYE and the following were all things i've found.

Notice the armband.....that's strange FYE.  I don't seem to remember this on your website.

I knew you were evil, but i didn't think you were training satan's army in the pits of hell evil.....that's not cool.

Cobra Kai?  Or is it Cobra Fye?
At this point an honest company would have shipped the DVD.  But not FYE.  Those bloodthirsty sons of whores strung me out for 6 months with dozens of e mails and repeated phone calls that were never returned.  So I took it up to the boss.  Corporate FYE (Transworld) would now bear the brunt of my fury.  They were highly apologetic and promised a 25$ gift certificate to compensate the trouble I had been caused.  The catch….the DVD would be sent to The Commonwealth.  I decided it was worth the ten bucks I would throw to my dad for rerouting the DVD to me.  But the gift certificate and DVD never came.  FYE claimed to have no record of the event in the system.  Transworld then claimed the same thing.  Then I broke.  I sent a scathing e mail where I demanded to know whether FYE was deeply evil…or horribly stupid.  I stole the comment from The Daily Show but it fit well.  I told them if they were not as evil as I thought they were then they were STUPID.  I mean potatoes with mouths.  That one got me a returned phone call and then 14 months later, after all of the fighting and disappointment, The Mad came in the mail.  The following is my review.
Without a doubt, one of my favorite actors of all time is Billy Zane.  The guy embodies the meaning of the word diversity.  He’s not only been in every hack-job low budget horror movie in the last 15 years, but he’s also been on such serious dramas as; Murder She Wrote, Back to the Future, Titanic, and the mantastic Tombstone.  My movie watching life changed when I was 11 and saw Tails From the Crypt: Demon Night.  Life changing!  Anyway this is a funny movie with a serious actor.  From start to finish it’s as if they take the entire movie and overact it around Billy Zane.  There is crazy blood squirting and “Doghouse” looking zombies using tools but somehow Billy stays cool.  Not cool in a Clooney in From Dusk till Dawn but more of a cool like…..well no one else does cool like Billy Zane.  It’s cool like Billy Zane.  Billy plays Jason Hunt, a widowed father of one on vacation with his girlfriend, daughter, and her boyfriend in cow town New York.  While eating at a local po-dunk restaurant that serves local “organic” burgers everyone turns into zombies or as Billy so elegantly puts it “Mad cow people”. Damn cows.
I am drinking a clich√© beer tonight.  I got a case for $24 at Costco.  Rouge Dead Guy Ale!  It’s featured on numerous zombie movies.  The only one I can think of off the bat is Awaken the Dead but I’m going to make it my new task to find all Zombie movies with a Dead Guy cameo.  It’s a wonderfully clean beer.  It’s also the first Maibock that I’ve reviewed.  It sits at 6.6% ABV and 40 IBUs.  I used my Dead Guy pint glass to showcase this beer.  It’s a light amber color with a small off white head that dissipates pretty quickly (although I will admit I didn’t get a great pour).  The aroma is very mild and delicate; light caramel, soft sweetness, slight hint of hops and some stone like neutral yeastiness (yeastiness amazingly a real word).  The flavor is fantastic.  It’s wonderful as an easy go to beer with plenty of body and character to fill the glass.  There are big splashes of grapes and some dried fig layered over a nice fluffy malt cake.  No husky bitterness here.  All smooth fruity beer goodness.  There is a definite lager aftertaste that lingers on the back of the tongue with a gentle bitterness and almost sour tang.  It’s got a medium body despite the slightly higher alcohol level and is very drinkable.  Well crafted Rouge.  Well done!
Billy Zane steals the show in this slightly boring and very predictable zombie flick.  It’s similar in nature to Dead Meat.  Cows are to blame!  The cows and all the steak eating red necks that industrialize the farming industry.  If you think there was a slightly leftist, hippy, vegetarian war cry with this movie….your right.  This movie did something no zombie movie has done before.  Instead of having zombies as the enemy, the meat itself could eat you. Zombie hamburgers were eating people in this movie.  Weird!  There were a couple of great scenes in this movie.  It’s as if the director understood that there were several holes in the plot so he decided to throw in a couple of random group discussion scenes to clear things up.  Overall there wasn’t a lot of zombie ripping scenes but there still manages to have a big bloody appeal.

The Beer:
Aroma – 10/12
Appearance – 3/3
Taste – 16/20
Palate – 4/5 
   Overall – 8/10
TOTAL= 41/50


 The Movie:
Production – 4/5
Plot – 3/5
Gore – 3/5
 Zombies – 3/5
  TOTAL – 3/5

2 comments:

  1. " Congrats on your victory. To think of the ungodly amount of time and resources you spent to get back a $5 dvd is astounding. One could view it as a way for trying to get what is right done right, e.g. like the jack bull. However I know how cheap you are so....But what really grieves me is that a large corporation such as FYE folded to one man. Where are the days of the faceless uncaring heartless businessman who screwed the down trodden. I for one will be boycotting FYE because they are obviously a weak and pathetic company" -John Doe

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