Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Zombie Flesh Eaters and Russian River Damnation

Vinnie Cilurzo is an inspiration to us all.  Women want to be with him, men want to be him, and animals everywhere bow down to him with obedience.  He’s as close to being “The Beastmaster” as a man can be.  Anybody that’s ever thumbed through any kind of beer literature in the last ten years has heard of Vinnie Cilurzo.  Vinnie is the owner and head brewer at Russian River Brewery in Santa Rosa, Ca.  Located in a place where you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a snobby half drunk wino, Vinnie has created a Mecca for the disciples everywhere.  It wasn’t until 2008 that Russian River (RR) began bottling and even then distribution was limited.  Vinnie has opened things up a bit allowing for some of his “special” beers to be tasted by those without the ability to make the trip out to wine country.  Of the 12 “-ion” beers that the website claims to bottle and distribute I have only seen 3.  These are expensive puppies.  $12 for a corked 12 oz bottle expensive.  It was a very hot Seattle day so I decided to start off with TEMPTATION leaving the other beers for a cooler evening.
There is a four pack of movies sitting on my shelf that I cringe every time I look at them.  It’s the Horror Rises from the Grave DVD set.  Film #2 was supposedly called Zombie Flesh Eaters.  That’s strange.  Any real zombie fan will know that that’s also the alternate title for Zombi 2.  When I looked into it more there are 2 or 3 English titles with just as many in Spanish, all with different cover art.  Several different titles on file for this bad boy "The Blind Dead 3," "The Ghost Galleon," "Ghost Ships of the Blind Dead," "Horror of the Zombies" and "Ship of Zombies".   It’s part of the blind dead series which I’ve never seen but heard good things about.  A dead giveaway that the movie is terrible is when you pop it into the dvd player and not only are there no previews but no extras of any kind.  The two options are “Play” and “Chapters”.  Hold on this is going to be a bumpy one.
I take off the wire cage, beside myself with anticipation.  What kind of concoction has Mr. Cilurzo dreamed up?  According to Beeradvocate (bastards) it’s a Belgian Strong Pale Ale.   Hmf?  Never heard of that one before.  It’s 7.75% (thanks for carrying it out to the extra decimal place) and just 25 IBUs.  It’s a vibrant yellow and just a little hazy with a brilliant white head that floats like a lily pad.  There’s some sediment swirling around in the glass but that’s okay.  It feels more authentic that way.  It doesn’t have the big nose that I expected from a Belgian.  There’s moderate Belgian yeast character, bread dough, and slight green apple tang.  The warmer it gets there is hints of oak and vanilla.  First sip reveals a light sweetness with some clove, slight banana and apple.  It’s highly carbonated and finishes dry with a spicy bitterness.  Very mild flavors on this one.  I would venture to call it delicate!  Very drinkable and enjoyable but not what I expected.  For me this beer doesn’t have the strong and distinctive character that I’ve come to expect from oaked Belgian Strong ales.  This beer has a place for sure, maybe just not with that price tag.  Quaffable but far from transcendent.
This movie is one big unpolished turd.  It was so bad that I finished the Damnation and had to pound a couple Dead Guys (hahah that sounds bad) just to finish it.  It’s nothing like the first movie on the disk (Horror Rises from the Tomb) which has tons of gore and lots of nudity.  Instead this movie has a lot of slow walking mummies and the constant threat of nudity (though it never comes to fruition).  The movie starts out with three women modeling bathing suits.  Several times they make like they’re going to undo their tops but…….never happens.
The whole premise of this movie is absolute doo doo.  The CEO of a sporting goods store decides to do this crazy publicity stunt where he sends two models into the Atlantic Ocean on a 16 ft boat.  I didn’t fully understand but I guess the idea is that they pretend to be stranded and then the two hotties get rescued and put on the news.  None of this ever happens because the two girls get hit by a 15th century sailing ship.  Happens all the time.  Then there’s this weird thing where the boat brings fog and that makes the girls sleep?  Then they’re in another dimension?  Mr. Sporting Goods CEO, the head of the modeling agency, a weatherman (weird), and the missing models friend decide to rescue them in their sail boat.
So the zombies are more mummies.  They are the nights of templar?  No idea.  I was drinking heavily at this point.  What I can tell you is that the whole “They survive on the flesh of beautiful women” quote that was on one of the covers is total bullshit.  In fact when these undead nights get their skeleton like hands on the one girl they carry her across what seemed like the entire boat, just to throw her in the water.  That was the most terrifying thing the director could think of.  Just throwing her in the water?   Booooooooo.
Then for some reason a flaming cross made of pieces of the ship defended them from the zombies.  Then shit caught on fire.  Then they dumped the coffins (containing the zombies) into the ocean.  And decided to swim for it.  I don’t remember the ending expect that it sucked.  Whole movie is one giant piece of trash.  If it wasn’t for Living a Zombie Dream and I, Zombie I would have been really upset, but I know it wasn’t the worst movie by a long shot.

The Beer:
Aroma – 7/12
Appearance – 2/3
Taste – 13/20
Palate – 4/5 
   Overall – 7/10
Total = 33/50
The Movie:
Production – 2/5
Plot – 1/5
Gore – 1/5
 Zombies – 1/5
  Overall – 1/5

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