Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Resident Evil: Apocalypse and Blue Moon Winter Abbey Ale

So going in order my next film is Resident Evil: Apocalypse.  This is the second movie in the series and again stars Milla Jovovich as Alice: Super zombie killer woman.  This movie, like those before and after it, are decent enough but lack that umph that would make them great.  They’re a good movie to watch with non zombie lovers as they’re watered down enough to feed the masses.  I however am not the masses.  Interestingly enough, I picked a beer that is (I assume) also watered down for the masses,  Blue Moon Winter Abbey Ale.  I saw it cheap and had heard surprisingly good things about it.  So here it is.
The movie opens up with the same scene that the first movie ended with.  Almost frame for frame exact if I’m not mistaken.  You can see her vagina briefly but that's neither here nor there..............anyway.....The idea is that the virus that decimated “The Hive” is now above ground and causing the same sort of havoc in Raccoon City.  Alice isn’t the only badass feminine zombie killer.  For those men who prefer brunettes to blonds we have Jill Valentine!
She is a kick ass ex S.T.A.R. (Special Tactics and Rescue Services) team member.  Everyone is trying to clear the checkpoint and evacuate the city when the Umbrella Corporation orders the gates sealed and live machine gun fire to push back the crowd.  At the same time a S.T.A.R. team drops down in the center of the city to battle the undead and help any survivors they can find.  Everyone is trapped with no way out…….or is there?  During the evacuation, the daughter of one of Umbrella’s lead scientists was left behind.  He solicits the help of the remaining survivors to rescue his daughter in return for their release.
But you can’t have zombies without beer…can you?  On to the Blue Moon!  It only takes a google search to find out that Blue Moon isn’t Blue Moon!!!  It’s Coors.
So I guess not only do they do Rocky Mountain refreshment, but now they’re dabbling in the age old art of Belgian beer brewing.  Who knew!  So for those that don’t know the difference between a Trappist ale, an Abbey ale, and plain old Belgian beers (dubble, tripel,…ect) I will explain.  There are only 7 trappist breweries (6 of which are in Belgium); Achel, Chimay, La Trappe, Orval, Rochefort, Westmalle, and Westvleteren.  In order to be a trappist beer they need to be brewed in a monastery, monks need to play a role in production and policies, and profits need to go to the monastery and/or social programs.  If you brew trappist style beers somewhere that’s not a monastery, or brew under license to an existing abandoned abbey then you can be labeled an ABBEY ALE!  So far there are eighteen certified Abbey Breweries and guess what…..Coors isn’t one of them.  Look for this “Certified Belgian Abbey Beer” logo to ensure you have the real thing.  This label screams "HELLO I'M A BIG FAT SNOB.  I'M BETTER THAN YOU.  PERHAPS YOU SHOULD GO DRINK SOMETHING LESS AWESOME THAN ME."
So I popped open this “Abbey Ale” to see what all the fuss was about.  It’s 5.6% abv (a little low for dubbles in my opinion) brown color with hints of red that I would expect from the style.  But, it's crystal clear?  I hope they didn't cold filter a belgian dubbel!!!  There's no cloudy yeast goodness!!!  The head is a frothy light brown color that doesn’t kick with that fizzy mouse like head that I expect from most Abbey Ales.  This was my first warning of things to come.  The smell was simple.  Sweet brown and raw sugars crushed with a light caramel malt.  There’s not a whole lot there and the unique trademark Abbey aroma is one of the major draws of this beer style.  It should be distinct and slightly shocking while at the same time being reassuring and pleasurable.  Tell me what you think that’s a metaphor for.  The taste followed the aroma, thin, uninspiring.  Slightly sweet, bits of caramel, slight husky gruff but virtually no bready Belgian character.  No smooth yeasty flavor.  It’s absent of everything that makes a Belgian a Belgian and yet they have the audacity to name it an “Abbey Ale”.  It’s thin with too low carbonation and no Belgian flavor.  If you had told me this was Blue Moon’s “Winter Ale” I would give it about a 3.5 but you kick me in the knee and tell me it’s an Abbey ale…..you’ve slid significantly to the left.
Now to something slightly less disappointing (only slightly).  Not only does this movie include the same terrible CGI laden giant hairless brain lions but now we add something even dumber.  ROBOZOMBIE! 
Here is a zombie (used to be that reporter and almost survivor from the first movie) that has been transformed into ……again……ROBOZOMBIE!!!  He has giant metal feet and a Gatling gun hand.  So what does a super robot zombie have for a weakness…..why of course!!! LOVE!
So in the final battle Alice uses love to beat ROBOZOMBIE.  You had it……then just like that…..you lost it.  It must be what Dam Marino felt like never winning a Superbowl.  The movies not all that bad.  it's mediocre.  But it does have one of my favorite zombie movie scenes in it.  This black guy is driving down a zombie infested road, just ramming them down with his car, when he becomes distracted by a couple of half naked stripper zombies and crashes.  It's pretty funny.  I hope I didn't spoil it for you.

The Beer:
Aroma – 6/12
Appearance – 2/3
Taste – 11/20
Palate – 2/5 
   Overall – 6/10
Total = 27/50

The Movie:
Production – 4/5
Plot – 4/5
Gore – 4/5
 Zombies – 4/5
  Overall – 4/5


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