Thursday, April 26, 2012

Shadow: Dead Riot and Full Sail Boardhead Barleywine

So how do I start with this movie?  This movie is one of those experiences that can’t be explained it has to be lived through.  Honestly.  I saw this movie had Tony Todd in it so I said to myself “How bad can it be?”.  Who cares if it only costs 1 penny (plus shipping) on Amazon.  There’s probably a reasonable explanation for that right?  There is……the movie is HORRIBLE.  Nobody wants to own or admit that they’ve owned this movie.  Those that have it are willing to put a valuable price of 1 penny on their time to list the DVD on Amazon, then drive to the post office and mail it.  That’s not logical!.....unless of course you’ve seen the move.  Then you understand.  And to pair this movie with a beer is a task of its own.  What beer clearly relates to the feeling of disappointment and self deprecation associated with this film?  Why I have the perfect beer!  It’s Full Sail’s Boardhead Barleywine Ale.  I’ve got the perfect duo for a night of making myself slightly ill with the overabundance of bad taste, poor execution, and a general lack of commitment.  Damn you.  Damn you for making me do this.
I’ll start off with the beer because I have to just muscle through it.  Why do I have a beer I don’t like?  Well good reader I’ll tell you why.  I respect Full Sail Brewery.  They’re employee owned (according to the bottle) and they make some decent beers.  Nothing amazing but decent beers.  Well when I saw bombers of their Boardhead Barleywine for something like $3.50 a bottle I bought five!  Yes you heard me…five bottles of this shit.  I think this might have been the batch where they found the dead cat in the fermentor.   It’s a clear dark orange/copper color with a small white head that dissipates quickly leaving some okay lacing.   Not a lot happening in the nose.  Some earthy hops, a little burnt sugar and some husky grains.  There’s some heat from the high alcohol content for sure.  But at the first sip there’s no real hops to speak of.  But instead of being English style where the malt steps out in front, there’s just nothing.  A slight candy fruit flavor and some toffee and toasted notes.  But there’s also a large amount of sulfur and an  almost medicinal aftertaste.  It’s very husky and rough.  Lots of tannins or something.  This beer is actually hard to choke down.  Perhaps it was the high alcohol (9%) or maybe it just wasn’t aged enough?  Whatever it was I’m stuck with another four bottles of this thin terrible excuse for a barleywine.    This beer is one of the biggest disappointments I’ve ever tasted.  More shocking than the horrible taste of this beer is the fact that “The Bros” at gave this thing a rating of 95!!!!  Making it a world class beer!!!  World Class?  Probably not.
I’m not going to drag this out if I don’t have to.  The movie is pretty bad.  It’s so bad Tony Todd couldn’t save it.  He’s been in the Final Destination Movies, The Rock, The Crow, the Night of the Living Dead remake, Transformers, and of course the Candyman  series.  But I just can’t look past the horrible fake braids and pointy filed teeth that the makeup crew thought would be a nice touch for the villain.  Terrible…just terrible.  Now the premise is that this prison executes this cold hearted Satanist serial killer.  But instead of just dying….he explodes!  His blood goes everywhere (it moves at its own will) and infects prisoners who become zombies.  The zombies are all killed and buried in a mass grave out in the prison yard (this is common practice I’m sure).  Fast forward twenty years later and it’s an experimental woman’s correctional facility.  Do I have your interest yet?  Okay so now’s the part of the movie with all the trashy topless scenes (gross enough to fast forward though).  I think they used actual women in prison instead of attractive actresses for these scenes.  Good call if the point was to add to the horror.
I’m not going to give away all the twists and turns but this movie tries to push the boundaries of what’s acceptable with things like an angry lesbian cop with who likes to seduce the inmates (swing and a miss), a zombie baby (inappropriate), and lots of wires to throw people 20 or 30 feet across rooms (that was kind of cool).  When Tony Todd is resurrected from the dead (some blood leached down into the ground where he was buried) he gets up and rips the skin off his arms, spraying blood across the ground, and resurrecting all his buried zombie companions.
It wasn't ALL bad.  There were a few good parts.  Like when the lesbian cop gets her tognue bitten off, or when this one jacked girl puts a guards night stick right through the back of his head.  And there was a lot of that's good.  But not good karate.  The type of karate that you and your friends used to do in middle school when you though you were power rangers.....that type of karate.  Everybody did that......right?
Last thing I want to talk about is wardrobe.  Wardrobe?  YES! Tony Todd is wearing some big blue trench coat/cape thing?  And as he’s walking he grabs the sides and waves them back and forth dramatically.  Almost like he’s trying to be some sort of goth magician.  It’s so corny and really sad.  Tony what happened?  It’s been a sad fall from grace.  I saw you on a CSI Miami a few years ago.  I’m begging you.  Retire.  Go out on top without any more shitty 1 penny straight to DVD movies.  I’m sorry if this seems cold but you need to hear it.  Consider this an intervention.  Your poor choice in movies and bad acting is beginning to effect people around you.  Please stop.

The Beer:
Aroma – 6/12
Appearance – 2/3
Taste – 8/20
Palate – 2/5
Overall – 4/10
Total = 22/50

The Movie:
Production – 2/5
Plot – 2/5
Gore – 3/5
Zombies – 3/5
Total – 2.5/5


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