The Devil’s Playground and Erdinger Weissbier Pikantus

Here is a film that looks absolutely amazing in the preview.  Just so you know there are two movies with the name “The Devil’s Playground”.  The easy way to tell which movie is the right one is to find the one that’s got a picture of an Amish girl smoking a cigarette on the cover…..and buy the other one.  It’s not the movie about revolting Amish youth.  It’s the movie about zombies.  It’s currently on Netflix “Watch Instantly” so hurry if you’re interested.  This film is English so it’s got a different feel to it.  It was dark and violent and very fast paced.  I decided to branch out from my normal IPA fetish to experience some other more tradition beer styles.  Here’s where I bring out a few bottles of Erdinger Weissbier Pikantus.  It’s a German Weizenbock!  Weizen is German for “wheat” and bock is “Ram”.  Not sure how ram has to do with beer.  Unless it’s so strong it feels like you’ve ban bashed by a Ram’s horns?  Maybe?

Anyway let’s do beer first and then the movie.  I’m usually not a big lager fan.  As I’m sure my readers have noticed through my choice of reviews.  Yes Rouge Imperial Pilsner, Smuttynose Maibock, and Sam Adams LongShot Dortmunder Export are a few exceptions but for the most part despite all my best effort I just can’t get into lagers.  I feel bad even saying that.  By saying I don’t like lagers I immediately exclude almost half of all the world’s beers (by number of styles not % of beer sold).  It’s with a strong resolve not to be so exclusive that I open the large 500ml bottle and pour into a tulip glass.  I’m not sure exactly what the proper glass for a weizenbock is.  I’ve seen doppelbocks served in mugs which might be traditional but for me they’re far from fitting for such a beer.  So tulip glass it is!  It pours a very rich deep dark brown.  It’s a bit cloudy with a two finger tan head that quickly falls and leaves no lacing.  There’s a strong malt aroma and what I can only describe as a hot alcohol smell.  It’s like pureed raisins and prunes.  It has a big dried fruit smell actually.  The taste is powerful.  There’s that dark fruity flavor with a rich wheat back.  There’s spice and a hint of liquorice and brown sugar in the slightly sweet finish.  It’s medium carbonated, and medium bodied but very chewy.  If what I explained to you sounds appealing….then good.  But to me it’s not good at all.  I’m sorry I hate dried fruit and this beer reeks of it.  And liquorice!  Why don’t you just punch me in the balls and call me Sally because that’s how I feel.  Beer Advocate puts this beer in the exceptional category…I put this beer in the exceptionally bad category!

The film on the other hand is in the exceptionally AMAZING category.  Film starts off from a security camera in a destroyed lab room?  This huge English dude is all busted up with broken glass sticking out of his face.  He’s talking to the security camera about his role in the apocalypse and his path to redemption.  I know I’ve seen this guy a million times.  IMDB shows that it’s the six foot three Craig Fairbrass.  He was in a ton of movies including The Bank Job and Cliffhanger!  In fact most of the people in this film are in other legit movies.  Dog Soldiers being the one that stands out to me.  Also I didn’t check the list of actors very closely before I hit play so I was surprised when I saw Danny Dyer in this movie!!!  He’s the guy from Doghouse that all the women love.  He’s hilarious and just plain awesome.  He’s the guy that rogers up to any horror movie they throw at him.  Zombies?  Sure.  Vampires? Sure.  Strange Russian Soldiers hiding out in a hillside?  Fuck yea!

The film goes through a trial of a new drug that will make people smarter, faster, more focused, and just all around awesome.  They give the trial to something like 20,000 people.  Everything is great until they start to have side effects.  First it’s bleeding, vomiting, the whole nine, then ultimately ZOMBIE!!!!  All accept one woman.  As she tries to escape the city Cole, a hardened hitman for the company that created the disease, tracks her down in hope that she holds the key to a cure.  There’s a sort of love story between the girl who’s immune and her cop husband/ex husband? who was put in jail for shooting a kid.  The real story of the incident comes to light in the final stages of the film.

There’s a lot of amazing things about this movie.  The actors were great and very believable, the gore was realistic, and the sets were new and refreshing.  But every zombie movie comes to a point where they need to decide what type of zombie they’re going to use.  This makes a big difference in every other aspect of the movie.  Because all the people were given a drug to make them superhumans they didn’t just turn into zombies….they turned into SUPER ZOMBIES!!!  This I wasn’t a huge fan of.  Zombies that can jump, climb, and run like Olympic athletes really tests what I feel is reasonable.  But in this case if you can overlook all that and focus on how well done the acting and the special effects are then you’re really going to enjoy this movie.  I know I did.

 

The Beer:

Aroma – 5/12

Appearance – 2/3

Taste – 10/20

Palate – 2/5 

   Overall – 5/10

Total = 24/50

The Movie:

Production – 5/5

Plot – 4/5

Gore –5/5

 Zombies – 4/5

  Overall – 4.5/5

I, Zombie and Ayinger Ur-Weisse

So I'm going to steam through more terrible movies tonight.  The first of which is I, Zombie.  This Fangoria $2 (actual price) piece of trash is why some people should never do art.  Not everyone was meant to create.  There always has been and always will be a mass of consumers who's greatest contribution to art is supporting it.  These people are necessary to keep the wheels turning.  As long as everyone knows their place things work fine.  But then every once in a while somebody from the crowd thinks they should take a whack at writing and production.  What you end up with is this crappy ninety minute coma like experience.  I've got the beer poured and I think I'm ready for this.  Ready as I'll ever be.

The beer is Ayinger Ur-Weisse!  Another bottle from the world renowned German beer capital, Munich.  Actually it's located 25 kilometers southwest of Munich, close enough.  The brewery is said to be founded in 1878 and has grown famous for its well balanced ales, very uncommon for that area which produces malt driven lagers and wheats.  It's a little higher alcohol than most wheats at 5.8% abv.  It poured a light amber color with a massive foam head, three or four fingers high.  It's very hazy which is expected of a weisse beer.  There massive banana aroma with caramel, apples, and a little clove at the end.  It's fun and light but also full of flavor.  The first sip goes easy down easy.  There's big fruit and caramel apple flavor with that bready smoothness that you would expect from a German wheat.  This is a great  alternative for those beer drinkers who normally prefer big beers, either hoppy or thick and dark.  It's the summer drinking beer for the non pilsner drinker.  At least that's how i drink it.  This is a great social drink as it's low enough alcohol to be able to have a few while still being full of flavor.

I wish i could say the same for the movie!  It's got this identity crisis.  It's doing "The Office" style interviews to begin but after the first one they are spotty and don't really add anything.  The premise is that this grad school student gets bit by a woman (zombie) while gathering moss samples and gets infected.  There is just a TON of issues i have with this movie.  First off he needs to eat people as soon as he's bitten even though he's still a walking talking person.  He eats a guy and then takes a tour of a new apartment with this nice realtor.  The movie is supposed to be a documentary of sorts for his transformation into a zombie.  It's really boring.  The acting is pretty horrid, the film style is flat and uninteresting.  I can't find a lot of things to say about this movie other than, It's better than living a zombie dream.

There were a couple of good training in this movie though.  First off is don't pick up any dead and decomposing women from abandoned buildings in the woods.  That's a good rule of thumb i think we can all live by.  A matter of fact i think i can go my entire life without breaking this vow.

Number two would be if I'm decomposing and the flesh is literally rotting of my body then I'm going to try and not jerk off.  Because in it's better to have an not use then accidentally break it off.  Thank you "I, Zombie" for making me sick to my stomach with something just sad and gross rather than sick and horrific.  It's a first.

 

Movies like this serve only to make you realize how good Gangz of the Dead is.  Most of the scenes are him squirming around on the bathroom floor pretending to suffer from massive stomach pain or chewing on a dead body on his living room floor where the camera is far enough away and at such an angle that you can't see if he's even close to the corpse.  It's all very safe and just plain terrible.  The monologs this guy does just drag on.  "Oh I'm so lonely" "I can't believe my flesh is rotting" "How am i going to cope with being a zombie".  REALLY DUDE!  Shut up and go eat people.  Shamble around a bit and find a group of college kids who are just hanging out near a cemetery.  No he just kind of stays in bed.  They director was perhaps trying to capture the lonely and human nature of the zombie.  This is evident when zombie guy picks up a hooker (despite his decaying face) and instead of doing it he just wants to lay down with her and hold her.  Its really dumb.  This movie was just as painful the second time as it was the first and i wish i had never bought it.  Thanks Fangoria for making one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

The Beer:

Aroma – 7/10

Appearance – 4/5

Taste – 8/10

Palate – 4/5 

   Overall – 17/20

Total = 40/50

The Movie:

Production – 0/5

Plot – 1/5

Gore – 0/5

Zombies – 0/5

  Overall – 0/5