Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I, Zombie and Ayinger Ur-Weisse

So I'm going to steam through more terrible movies tonight.  The first of which is I, Zombie.  This Fangoria $2 (actual price) piece of trash is why some people should never do art.  Not everyone was meant to create.  There always has been and always will be a mass of consumers who's greatest contribution to art is supporting it.  These people are necessary to keep the wheels turning.  As long as everyone knows their place things work fine.  But then every once in a while somebody from the crowd thinks they should take a whack at writing and production.  What you end up with is this crappy ninety minute coma like experience.  I've got the beer poured and I think I'm ready for this.  Ready as I'll ever be.
The beer is Ayinger Ur-Weisse!  Another bottle from the world renowned German beer capital, Munich.  Actually it's located 25 kilometers southwest of Munich, close enough.  The brewery is said to be founded in 1878 and has grown famous for its well balanced ales, very uncommon for that area which produces malt driven lagers and wheats.  It's a little higher alcohol than most wheats at 5.8% abv.  It poured a light amber color with a massive foam head, three or four fingers high.  It's very hazy which is expected of a weisse beer.  There massive banana aroma with caramel, apples, and a little clove at the end.  It's fun and light but also full of flavor.  The first sip goes easy down easy.  There's big fruit and caramel apple flavor with that bready smoothness that you would expect from a German wheat.  This is a great  alternative for those beer drinkers who normally prefer big beers, either hoppy or thick and dark.  It's the summer drinking beer for the non pilsner drinker.  At least that's how i drink it.  This is a great social drink as it's low enough alcohol to be able to have a few while still being full of flavor.
I wish i could say the same for the movie!  It's got this identity crisis.  It's doing "The Office" style interviews to begin but after the first one they are spotty and don't really add anything.  The premise is that this grad school student gets bit by a woman (zombie) while gathering moss samples and gets infected.  There is just a TON of issues i have with this movie.  First off he needs to eat people as soon as he's bitten even though he's still a walking talking person.  He eats a guy and then takes a tour of a new apartment with this nice realtor.  The movie is supposed to be a documentary of sorts for his transformation into a zombie.  It's really boring.  The acting is pretty horrid, the film style is flat and uninteresting.  I can't find a lot of things to say about this movie other than, It's better than living a zombie dream.
There were a couple of good training in this movie though.  First off is don't pick up any dead and decomposing women from abandoned buildings in the woods.  That's a good rule of thumb i think we can all live by.  A matter of fact i think i can go my entire life without breaking this vow.
Number two would be if I'm decomposing and the flesh is literally rotting of my body then I'm going to try and not jerk off.  Because in it's better to have an not use then accidentally break it off.  Thank you "I, Zombie" for making me sick to my stomach with something just sad and gross rather than sick and horrific.  It's a first.
Movies like this serve only to make you realize how good Gangz of the Dead is.  Most of the scenes are him squirming around on the bathroom floor pretending to suffer from massive stomach pain or chewing on a dead body on his living room floor where the camera is far enough away and at such an angle that you can't see if he's even close to the corpse.  It's all very safe and just plain terrible.  The monologs this guy does just drag on.  "Oh I'm so lonely" "I can't believe my flesh is rotting" "How am i going to cope with being a zombie".  REALLY DUDE!  Shut up and go eat people.  Shamble around a bit and find a group of college kids who are just hanging out near a cemetery.  No he just kind of stays in bed.  They director was perhaps trying to capture the lonely and human nature of the zombie.  This is evident when zombie guy picks up a hooker (despite his decaying face) and instead of doing it he just wants to lay down with her and hold her.  Its really dumb.  This movie was just as painful the second time as it was the first and i wish i had never bought it.  Thanks Fangoria for making one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

The Beer:
Aroma – 7/10
Appearance – 4/5
Taste – 8/10
Palate – 4/5 
   Overall – 17/20
Total = 40/50

The Movie:
Production – 0/5
Plot – 1/5
Gore – 0/5
Zombies – 0/5
  Overall – 0/5


Post a Comment