Ninjas VS Zombies and Southern Tier Creme Brulee

I got a third straight night of zombie movies.  Lucky me and subsequetially.....lucky you.  It looks just terrible.  It reeks of sub par acting and bad CGI.  But the idea is so terrible, so stupid, so half drunk middle school sleepover that I must see it.  I went with what I can only imagine is another knock out beer from a kick ass brewery.  Southern Tier has cemented themselves in my top ten breweries in the country.  I think I've wrote before that if a brewery doesn't brew an imperial stout then they probably suck.  Here Southern Tier makes something like 4 or 5!  This looks like a serious dessert beer!

So the movie starts off by pissing me off.  This nerdy dude is holding a seance to bring back his dead brother.  Yes, the zombies are a result of magic.  There's reference to Dungeons and Dragons, and numerous poorly acted movie references.  Not only are the zombies a result of magic, but there's a king zombie that can talk, fight like a ninja, do magic, and control the zombies.  So Captain King Fucking Zombie (Eric) goes around eating people's souls (not the people themselves......just the soul) in the most corny and overacted way possible.  The movie drags for the first bit trying to do some character development.  Each person is unique in the way that they're all sort of the same and someone you think you might know.  The dialog is absolutely terrible.  But....it's sort of growing on me......and I sort of like it.  Things are starting to heat up and I'm warming up to this terrible movie.

So I pour the beer into the snifter and it's dark black.  It's thick and viscous and browns out at the edges.  It leaves a thick brown head that floats like melted marshmallows.  The first sniff is intoxicating!  I can't believe how much this smells like real Creme Brulee!!!  There's sweet vanilla and burnt sugar dripping over chocolaty notes and rich cream.  It's like your about to drink a gourmet milkshake.

 (Picture thanks to baranddrinker.com!)

The flavor matches.  It's smooth and creamy with a thick mouthfeel.  It's oily and slick and screams milkfat.  It's loaded with lactose that's for sure, giving it a sweetness that lingers long after your finished sipping.  Their is layer after layer of goodness here.  Vanilla and burnt sugar, layers of caramel and frothy cream, then your hit by the slightest acceptable bitterness and the coffee and chocolate notes from all that malt.  I also happened to have some 64% cacao nibs from our local chocolate shop.  The bitter of the chocolate mixed with the sweet of the beer to create a flavor more powerful than the both.  Don't buy Riesling or port wine.  Don't break out some dessert liquor.  Buy this beer and slap it in the fridge.  It can also be drizzled over high quality vanilla ice cream for a super beer treat.  This beer is one sided and not very drinkable.  But it's exactly what it means to be;  a cap at the end of the night, a finish to a holiday spend gorging yourself and watching football.  It's a beautiful beast and deserves all of our respect.

So the more I watch this movie the more I love it!  But, before I tell you why I love this movie let me tell you a little bit more about why I hate it.  The dialog is horrible.  Especially the guy who summons his brother.  I think his name in the movie was Randal but I think we should just call him wizard boy.  He's so terrible.  But it's so terrible it's awesome.  There's a lot of references to other movies; Army of darkness, Evil Dead, Star Wars, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just to name a few.  I hate the fake CGI fireballs that wizard boy and his brother king fucking zombie hurl at each other in the final battle scene.  I hate the way that king fucking zombie overacts every single line and every expression.  He comes off so cocky and talentless that it's hard not to hate him.  The fight scenes are terrible and soooo slow.  All that being said this is probably the BEST B rate zombie movie I own.  It's an all around instant favorite.  Why?  Because it's original, and it's funny.  It feels like you made the movie with a group of your friends and as you watch it your reliving the good times.  Unlike Living a Zombie Dream and I, Zombie which are so bad....they're terrible, this one is so bad......it's awesome!!!!  I would go ahead and say this should go on your must see list.  It's even got a squeal out "Ninjas Versus Vampires".  I am not a fan of vampire movies but i might have to make an exception for this one.

Even if you don't like imperial stouts and b rate horror (which i find hard to believe) you should still buy this beer and rent this movie.  Because even if you don't love it, in fact even if you hate it, i guarantee they will be unforgettable!

The Beer:

Aroma – 12/12

Appearance – 3/3

Taste – 18/20

Palate – 4/5 

   Overall – 9/10

Total = 46/50

The Movie:

Production – 2/5

Plot – 2/5

Gore – 2/5

 Zombies – 2/5

  Overall – 2/5

The Walking Dead (Season 1) and Russian River Pliny The Elder

I was hoping to have this one out before the premier of season 2 but I went and had a second kid.  That has slowed down the whole blogging thing.  I found out about the walking dead about two years ago when a friend of my father told him about the comic (ahem....graphic novel).  It was so good that some of volumes actually made me lose sleep.  That's impressive.  So I was a little annoyed when AMC picked up the series.  I know I'm not alone.  I was hoping that HBO would throw down and give it all the uncensored carnage that we all would like to see.  It could have been worse I guess.  It could have went to USA in that time slot right after Monk.  AMC has some pretty great shows out right now with Breaking Bad and Mad Men so I gave it a chance.  I decided the best beer to pair with this series (yes six hours and one beer...well one beer six times) would be Russian River's Pliny the Elder.  Much to my amazement I found a couple bottles at my local supermarket.  I bought all they had!  I had never seen it in bottles before and thought it might be the last time.  For those of you who have never heard of Pliny the Elder it's the famous IIPA that has won TONS of awards!  I read a zymurgy in 2009 that had Pliny the Elder trading off with Dogfish Head's 90 min for best bear in the US for 3 year running.  Pliny the Elder (not to be confused with Pliny the Younger) also won Bronze at the Great American Beer Fest in 2004 and a Gold in 2005.  Pliny also won gold at the World Beer Cup in 2005.  All of these in the Double IPA catagory.  It's supposed to be epic.

So I started off with the first episode and was immediately impressed.  They weren't rushing things as I had thought they might.  And it stayed fairly close to the comic.  I'm not sure why it's so important to me that it follows the comic so closely.  Perhaps it's because the comic was so well done.  The character development in the the comic was so amazing that you actually felt like you knew each character.  You shared their joys, disappointments, and fears.  Each time they deviate from the comic or change any of the characters relationships or mannerisms I take offense.  "That's not how Sean would react!" or "That's not how Andrea is!"  Those are my friends!!!!  The opening sequence in the Walking Dead was spot on and almost frame for frame from the comic.  Except that with the magic of TV everything was even more frightening.  The initial scene where Rick awakens in the hospital and is trying to figure out what's going on captured hopelessness and horror even better than 28 Days Later!!!  And that's saying something.

The Walking Dead is instantly a classic in my collection.  It fills a gap between a gory raw classic and an easily accessible show even my wife will watch.  In that sense it's the perfect show for pulling a large audience into the world of zombie mania.  More people than ever will start coming up with their own zombie survival plans and wearing I (heart) zombie t-shirts.  This will inevitably lead (if it already hasn't) to a slew of watered down zombie flicks looking to cash in on the craze.  The same reasons i love The Walking Dead are the reasons I hate it.  It's beginning to take away something that for a while (at least it seemed) was deeply personal.

 I was lucky enough to be able to try Pliny the Elder once before.  When my wife and I were traveling from Boston to Anchorage we stopped in Santa Rosa to do some wine tasting.  I had heard of the mystique that surrounded Russian River beers but because they didn't distribute to Massachusetts so I didn't have a chance to actually try them.  We were just walking through downtown Santa Rosa when I saw it.  It was like a shinning star!  Russian River was right there in front of me.  I fell to my knees in amazement.  Was it fate?  I had they're amazing jalapeno pizza bites and a pint of Pliny the Elder.  It was a day I'll never forget.  If you ever go there you'll understand what I mean.

The Beer!  So my notes on this review became less and less coherent as the films went on.  Perhaps it was because by the end it was getting really late, or maybe it was the 5 Plinys that went with Season 1?  Go to BeerAdvocate.com (bastards) link for Pliny the Elder or the Ratebeer.com site and you will see that this beer......is a standard setter.  It gets a score of 100 across the board in 4 different categories (including a professional rating).  The beer pours a dark gold with hues of orange topped with a thick cream colored head.  The aroma is overwhelmingly awesome.  There is tons of citrus.  It's like pounds and pounds of grapefruit, apricot, orange peel and lemon.  There's also a bit or resiny bitter hops that push through the barrage of citrus.  With the first sip after sip of this beer continue to push fruit on fruit into your tongue.  There's a certain level of balance with the caramel malt backbone but don't be fooled, this beer is all hops.  The malt is simply there to sweeten your tongue and get you drunk.  The hops are the driving force here.  The hops are much like Robert De Niro in Ronin.

The first season was breathtakingly original.  And that's difficult for a zombie series.  The actors (and actresses) are talented and realistic and the plot is thrilling but believable.  Greg Nicotero is the head special FX guy and his work is inspiring.  He did Planet Terror, Diary of the Dead, and even Army of Darkness just to name a few.  He also did Transformers, Public Enemies, Minority Report, Book of Eli and like 1,000 other awesome movies.  He not only does that bang up job in makeup but he also stars as several zombies along the way.  He's the guy that bites Amy and the guy that kills the deer.  It's one of the reasons this show is so great.  the death just seems so real.

That's Greg!!

For those that live under a rock or in North Korea "The Walking Dead" stars Rick Grimes, a cop who awakens from a coma to find himself in a world of zombies.  I know i know "that's 28 Days Later"!!!  It is but i'm going to give them a pass because they do it differently enough as to not be considered cinematic plagiarism.  He finds his family who have set up camp in a band of survivors just outside of Atlanta.  The biggest problem I had with season one was the rapid deterioration of human decency that was somewhat more drawn out and deliberate in the comic. This was a bit rectified in the second season where things just drag for a couple episodes.  I guess they needed some balance.  The characters they cast in the show bear an incredible likeness both in appearance and demeanure to their comic book counterparts.  It's almost eery actually.  Glenn is the most obvious, but Dale is spot on as well.  This show is so well produced that my wife (who hates TV and horror specifically) gets so excited for Walking Dead that she won't let me watch an episode without her.  It's the real deal.  I can't say any more about  it.  You need to watch it and you need to read it.

The Beer:

Aroma – 12/12

Appearance – 3/3

Taste – 20/20

Palate – 5/5 

   Overall – 10/10

Total = 50/50

  

The Movie:

Production – 5/5

Plot – 5/5

Gore – 5/5

 Zombies – 5/5

  Overall – 5/5

Resident Evil: Extinction and Deschutes Jubelale

So I move on to the third Resident Evil movie with a sigh of relief.  It's not that the other two are that bad, because they're not.  I just have seen them SOOOOOO many times.  And the Resident Evils are not a re-watch and re-watch type of movie like Dawn of the Dead.  I know earlier in prior posts I claimed my favorite as the original, but after watching them again in order, I have changed my mind, the third one is!  It wasn't always this way.  The first time I saw Extinction I hated it.  Zombie birds was a huge turn off, as were the super mutant zombies, and the remote control Alice.  But this movie had a certain likability to it.  I decided to pair it with another new favorite of mine...JUBELALE!!!!  Not to be confused with Jubel the 10% abv bomb that just kicks ass.  This is a more toned down seasonal perfect for when the weather gets a bit chilly and you need a little something to warm you up.

So this film starts out with Alice on the road alone.  She goes to save a woman and her baby that she hears on her radio only to find herself in a trap with a ganged of strange inbred street people!  But it's Alice, so ass kicking ensues and everyone is dead....except Alice of course.  Great start to the movie.  This is also where the idea is planted that Alaska is infection free.   I know I'm a bit biased after living there for three years, but it really would be a great place to be in a Zombie Apocalypse.  The first movie starred Alice the normal woman who transformed into Alice the highly trained killer.  The second movie is Alice the highly trained killer transforming into Alice the semi mutant bad-ass.  In this movie Alice goes from semi mutant bad-ass to full faced super-motherfucking-mutant-bad-ass!!!!  She actually gets all telepathic in this movie.  It gets weird.  That's your heads up.

Deschutes puts out quality beer after quality beer.  This is no exception.  It's their winter ale and it's awesome.  It pours a deep cloudy opaque brown with dark red hues and a nice light brown head.  The aroma is strong toasted malts with some high alcohol fumes.  It's very rich with grassy hops, spice, and clove.  The flavor is similar to aroma but stronger.  It's boozy and slick, full of malt that fades to an earthy bitterness.  It's strong at 6.7% abv and plenty  bitter at 60 IBUs.  There's a hint of coffee under all that rich toasted malt.  It's unique in a way that few beers are.  This is the winter ale that other winter ales wished they were but they don't have the balls.  If a hefeweizen is your idea of extreme then don't buy this beer.  It will leave you naked and crying on the bathroom floor.  Me.....I have two cases of it.  So I can take it.

The zombie birds i think took up more of this  movie than they needed to.  In fact if they had left them completely out it would have been better.  At least it wasn't as bad as "The Rage" or whichever Zombi movie was the "Killing Birds" one.  I think it was four or five.

I do like those curvy blades that Alice has.  Those are pretty sweet.  I originally hated the idea that Alice had super mental powers but it was pretty sweet.  They (Umbrella Co.) actually shut her off (she stands frozen) and they can see things through her eyes for some reason.  This is actually sweeter every time i see it.  It was a really cool effect.  She is able to break satellites thousands of miles away with her mind.  Despite the fact that this movie relies on non traditional zombies to try and set this film apart it still works.  The "Boss" zombie is the research scientist that gets bit with a mutated virus and becomes some kind of mutated super zombie.  He's even stronger than ROBOZOMBIE and rabid hairless lion zombie.  I think by the end of this film you'll be glad I'm done with my descriptions of the various Resident Evil zombies.   This movie also had a lot of very likable characters.  Otto (Simpsons reference) the bus driver, Carlos (the S.T.A.R guy from Apocalypse), Claire, and the cowboy guy all grab at your heart.  It's entertaining and though it doesn't fit the mold of what I think a zombie movie should be I still think it deserves it's due credit.

The Beer:

Aroma – 9/12

Appearance – 2/3

Taste – 17/20

Palate – 3/5 

   Overall – 7/10

Total = 38/50

  

The Movie:

Production – 5/5

Plot – 4/5

Gore – 4/5

 Zombies – 4/5

  Overall – 4/5

Resident Evil: Apocalypse and Blue Moon Winter Abbey Ale

So going in order my next film is Resident Evil: Apocalypse.  This is the second movie in the series and again stars Milla Jovovich as Alice: Super zombie killer woman.  This movie, like those before and after it, are decent enough but lack that umph that would make them great.  They’re a good movie to watch with non zombie lovers as they’re watered down enough to feed the masses.  I however am not the masses.  Interestingly enough, I picked a beer that is (I assume) also watered down for the masses,  Blue Moon Winter Abbey Ale.  I saw it cheap and had heard surprisingly good things about it.  So here it is.

The movie opens up with the same scene that the first movie ended with.  Almost frame for frame exact if I’m not mistaken.  You can see her vagina briefly but that's neither here nor there..............anyway.....The idea is that the virus that decimated “The Hive” is now above ground and causing the same sort of havoc in Raccoon City.  Alice isn’t the only badass feminine zombie killer.  For those men who prefer brunettes to blonds we have Jill Valentine!

She is a kick ass ex S.T.A.R. (Special Tactics and Rescue Services) team member.  Everyone is trying to clear the checkpoint and evacuate the city when the Umbrella Corporation orders the gates sealed and live machine gun fire to push back the crowd.  At the same time a S.T.A.R. team drops down in the center of the city to battle the undead and help any survivors they can find.  Everyone is trapped with no way out…….or is there?  During the evacuation, the daughter of one of Umbrella’s lead scientists was left behind.  He solicits the help of the remaining survivors to rescue his daughter in return for their release.

But you can’t have zombies without beer…can you?  On to the Blue Moon!  It only takes a google search to find out that Blue Moon isn’t Blue Moon!!!  It’s Coors.

So I guess not only do they do Rocky Mountain refreshment, but now they’re dabbling in the age old art of Belgian beer brewing.  Who knew!  So for those that don’t know the difference between a Trappist ale, an Abbey ale, and plain old Belgian beers (dubble, tripel,…ect) I will explain.  There are only 7 trappist breweries (6 of which are in Belgium); Achel, Chimay, La Trappe, Orval, Rochefort, Westmalle, and Westvleteren.  In order to be a trappist beer they need to be brewed in a monastery, monks need to play a role in production and policies, and profits need to go to the monastery and/or social programs.  If you brew trappist style beers somewhere that’s not a monastery, or brew under license to an existing abandoned abbey then you can be labeled an ABBEY ALE!  So far there are eighteen certified Abbey Breweries and guess what…..Coors isn’t one of them.  Look for this “Certified Belgian Abbey Beer” logo to ensure you have the real thing.  This label screams "HELLO I'M A BIG FAT SNOB.  I'M BETTER THAN YOU.  PERHAPS YOU SHOULD GO DRINK SOMETHING LESS AWESOME THAN ME."

So I popped open this “Abbey Ale” to see what all the fuss was about.  It’s 5.6% abv (a little low for dubbles in my opinion) brown color with hints of red that I would expect from the style.  But, it's crystal clear?  I hope they didn't cold filter a belgian dubbel!!!  There's no cloudy yeast goodness!!!  The head is a frothy light brown color that doesn’t kick with that fizzy mouse like head that I expect from most Abbey Ales.  This was my first warning of things to come.  The smell was simple.  Sweet brown and raw sugars crushed with a light caramel malt.  There’s not a whole lot there and the unique trademark Abbey aroma is one of the major draws of this beer style.  It should be distinct and slightly shocking while at the same time being reassuring and pleasurable.  Tell me what you think that’s a metaphor for.  The taste followed the aroma, thin, uninspiring.  Slightly sweet, bits of caramel, slight husky gruff but virtually no bready Belgian character.  No smooth yeasty flavor.  It’s absent of everything that makes a Belgian a Belgian and yet they have the audacity to name it an “Abbey Ale”.  It’s thin with too low carbonation and no Belgian flavor.  If you had told me this was Blue Moon’s “Winter Ale” I would give it about a 3.5 but you kick me in the knee and tell me it’s an Abbey ale…..you’ve slid significantly to the left.

Now to something slightly less disappointing (only slightly).  Not only does this movie include the same terrible CGI laden giant hairless brain lions but now we add something even dumber.  ROBOZOMBIE! 

Here is a zombie (used to be that reporter and almost survivor from the first movie) that has been transformed into ……again……ROBOZOMBIE!!!  He has giant metal feet and a Gatling gun hand.  So what does a super robot zombie have for a weakness…..why of course!!! LOVE!

So in the final battle Alice uses love to beat ROBOZOMBIE.  You had it……then just like that…..you lost it.  It must be what Dam Marino felt like never winning a Superbowl.  The movies not all that bad.  it's mediocre.  But it does have one of my favorite zombie movie scenes in it.  This black guy is driving down a zombie infested road, just ramming them down with his car, when he becomes distracted by a couple of half naked stripper zombies and crashes.  It's pretty funny.  I hope I didn't spoil it for you.

The Beer:

Aroma – 6/12

Appearance – 2/3

Taste – 11/20

Palate – 2/5 

   Overall – 6/10

Total = 27/50

  

The Movie:

Production – 4/5

Plot – 4/5

Gore – 4/5

 Zombies – 4/5

  Overall – 4/5

 

Resident Evil and Oakshire Brewing's Overcast Espresso Stout

It's taken me a while to finish this post.  I actually reviewed this movie on Halloween night.....with my wife!  My wife hates horror movies and despises zombie movies.  She doesn't see the beauty in there metaphors and believes that they are, get this, too graphic!!!  But once a year she puts fear and personal ideology aside and watches a zombie movie with me.  I let her pick the movie so she feels a little more comfortable about the whole situation.  In fact I was feeling so nice that i let her pick the beer as well!!!  She's usually pretty good at this because her favorite styles are Russian Imperial Stouts, Double IPAs, and Barleywines.  So I trust her....more or less.  She decided she would play it safe and pick Resident Evil.  The reason for this is that she knows it's not overly scary and would have some Hollywood produce entertainment value.  She also came home with Oakshire Brewing's Espresso Stout.  I do love things from Eugene, OR so how bad could it be......and so we began.

I think the scariest part of the whole film is the beginning sequence.  Not very promising to a wife who is shielding her eyes as a woman gets decapitated trying to climb out of an elevator.  I haven't seen this movie in quite a while and I must say.....it's better than i remember.  After seeing the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th movies it's hard to imagine Alice as anything but some kind of strange super person (especially the 3rd movie).  But there she is, scared and defenseless.  And you actually get to watch her grow through the movie as she starts to remember who she is.  I do have a couple of problems with the plot of this movie.  First, they were able to build a holographic, completely automated, computer based security system to control The Hive.  But they can't get a heads up as to what went wrong without sending in a team of six swat team members.  You'd think they could download a little security footage and say "Oh shit....Guys look at this!!!!  Some of that blue shit...

 ...oh man!!!  Guys the blue shits got out......

we got zombies.  Lets get a small army of soldiers together and let them know what their up against.  Oh and don't forget to tell them about that laser room.

The security code for it is "lasers off". Okay don't forget to shoot for the head".  Sadly there was no such briefing.  But I guess if they had known that stuff then it wouldn't have been much of a movie.

I'm weary of my wife's beer decision as soon as i read the label.  It's only 5.8% abv.  This matters more for a coffee blended stout than for any other beer.  I'll tell you why.  The bitterness and astringency that the coffee can add needs to be balanced with sweet malt and other roasted malty flavors.  If there isn't enough malt backbone then the beer comes out tasting like old coffee and a little beer mixed in.  So I pour this sloshy black liquid into a couple of Sam Adams glasses and take my first sniff.  It's all coffee.  Well, maybe not ALL coffee, but its at least MOSTLY coffee.  There is a slight cocoa aroma and a twist of roasted malt but for the most part this is a cold cup o Joe.  I place swirl up the a tan head and buried my nose deep into the glass hoping for a little something more.......nothing.  First lovely sip.....shit.  A real bomber.  Perhaps it's because of my own high expectations for things bearing the label "(coffee product) Stout".  Langunitas Cappuccino Stout, Great Divide's Espresso Oak Aged Yeti, Southern Tier's Mokah, Jah*va and countless others all deliver a strong coffee beer without overwhelming the BEER portion.  Get those instead.  This is a over carbonated, underflavored, thin and forgettable beer.  This beer could be much better by upping mouth feel, and maltiness.  But at that point it would be a different beer.  The long and the short of it......this beer sucks.

The movie went two far with it's first instillation.  They had the base for a great zombie movie.  They had realistic(ish) zombies and decent actors.  In fact there were complex dimensions to this movie about that i had forgot about.  Like the transformation of our heroin from a forgetful blond with a high cut red dress into a battle hardened blond ninja....in a high cut red dress.  I also have a problem with Michelle Rodriguez.  Nobody thinks your hot.  In fact your husky voiced, "I'm one tough bitch" routine is really getting old.  As soon as we see you we know exactly what we're in for.  How does it feel to know that your a more one dimensional than Keanu Reeves?

I can't quite give this movie the gold sticker since it has some kind of mutated strange ass zombie creature in it.  They seem to always do something like that.  They have a perfectly good movie, then they go add something ridiculas and ruin it.  A zombie that feeds on fresh DNA and mutates into a SUPER ZOMBIE LION DOG THING!!!!

The Beer:

Aroma – 6/12

Appearance – 2/3

Taste – 7/20

Palate – 1/5 

   Overall – 3/10

Total = 19/50

  

The Movie:

Production – 3/5

Plot – 3/5

Gore – 4/5

 Zombies – 3/5

  Overall – 3/5

So this is the first film that in actually  rated higher based on all my categories than I would have given it for overall enjoyment.  In my head the whole time it was a 2, but low and behold it rates out as a three.

Oh, and I'm back and blogging!