Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Living a Zombie Dream and Dogfish Head Festina Peche

I wanted to just get it out of the way.  This is the worst movie i own, the worst movie I’ve ever seen, and quite possibly the worst movie in the world.  Honestly, i have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach just thinking of this movie.  My wife bought it for a penny (plus shipping) on e bay.  Anything you can buy for a penny is something that people are really trying to move. I tried to think of the shittiest beer i could find to have with it.  For me the worst beer I could think of comes from my favorite brewery.  Dogfish Head.  It makes sense to me.  If your going to go out on a limb and do some crazy stuff sooner or later you’re going to cross the line.  And cross the line they did.  Festina Peche!
I'll start with the beer.  I thought the flute would be the best glass for this beer.  It's a brilliant cloudy piss yellow with a tiny foamy white head that dissipates quickly.  The aroma is big notes of peach (as mentioned in the name) with notes of wheat toast.  I do not like fruit in my beer and this is no exception.  The first sip of this super tart, super sour peach mess makes me gag.  I force down the first sip.  It's highly carbonated.  This beer is bone dry and crisp like none I’ve ever tasted.  It's like sucking on a lemon.  The beer is thin at 4.5% abv and 8 IBUs.  No hop bitterness or flavor at all.  This is just a dried out peach mess.  It's supposed to quench thirst in the hot summer days and gently encourage appetite before big dinners.  I'll tell you what it does do....makes your stomach turn and induces long periods of delirium.  It had to happen sooner or later.  If you make enough award winning beers you’re going to make a giant turd bomb.  Sam Calagione this.....is your turn bomb.
Now that I’ve managed to swallow a couple of sips i feel like i might be able to start the movie.  The movie starts off with a weird déjà vu scene.  Get used to it because this movie is about 15 minutes of footage replayed as flashbacks for almost 90 minutes.  Our main character leaves his house where his girlfriend or wife is doing her nails in her robe.  This is important.  Remember that.  He sneaks over to some dude's house with a gun.  It's important to note at this point that the entire movie was shot with a handicam.  Something....something....devil worshiping???  Flash his wife is getting banged by some dude!  He sees them.  She's smacking this guy and getting dirty as her boyfriend goes crazy  in the other room.  It's not as crazy as you would expect.  He just kind of covers his ears and does this crazy eyes thing.  Maybe it was his greasy parted hair that drove him into the arms of another woman.  Maybe it was his splotchy complexion.  Whatever it was when he comes back in the two of them are sitting down and watching a static TV on opposite sides of the couch.  That's not obvious.
Now he's giving the guy a ride home?   It's his brother!!!  He's not really as upset as he should be.  Some people would go into a violent rage.  He just gets a little pouty face and kicks his brother out of the car.  He decides he will go back and give him a ride anyway but it's too late!!!!!  He's been clubbed by some dude in a loin cloth.  Honestly the next hour is flashbacks of the guy cutting his brothers guts open and flashbacks to his girlfriend banging some guy.  But in a Victorian English style dress.  And i don't know why but she's doing her makeup for the entire movie.  This is by far the biggest piece of shit movie i've ever seen.  I'm only watching it now in order to clear my conscience and give a clear and accurate warning to others.
Life is short.  A car wreck could kill you tomorrow.  Don't sell yourself short by wasting time watching this movie.  This is a life suck.  It's a waste of time, and a loss of hope.  This movie shouldn't exist.  There's only a few sentences of dialog every half our or so and the gore is so fake it's making me sad.  Sad that people spent months writing, filming, editing, and distributing this movie.  I'm also sad for the environment.  This DVD was created and shipped all the way to me, wasting precious resources.  I hate this movie more than anything.  Your welcome for saving you all the time.

The Beer:
Aroma – 4/10
Appearance – 3/5
Taste – 2/10
Palate – 1/5 
   Overall – 6/20
Total = 16/50

The Movie:
Production – 0/5
Plot – 0/5
Gore – 0/5
Zombies – 0/5
  Overall – 0/5

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